I'm going to jail i love you
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
