i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
