If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Are my feet made of real feet?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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