so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
