I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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