I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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