My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
