So drunk, too bad you don't want this
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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