just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
