I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
