He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
