went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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