She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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