I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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