My nipple is on Facebook.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
