I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We left the knife in your bed.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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