i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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