why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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