we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
