she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
