my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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