oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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