Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Girls should come with a carfax report
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
