You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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