Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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