Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
