She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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