You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize