if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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