You just made me feel so damn special
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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