I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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