are you so shy because you have an std?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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