I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
