i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
where does the pee come out of this thing
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
