I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
