My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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