I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
