the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
