I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
