take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
