So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
