____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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