just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
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A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
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This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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