if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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