I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
