I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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