I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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