what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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