If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
