i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You may now shotgun with the bride
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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