dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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