i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
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Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
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I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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