i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
