hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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