When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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