Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
