1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
