I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
