i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
