Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
