Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
