we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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